"That" Couple

At the risk of sounding like a prude who needs to get laid, anyone who lives in NYC or ever goes to the park knows exactly the couple I am talking about. The hetero-normative couple that thinks it is completely appropriate to have pseudo sex in the park. Although there are two perfectly good seats side by side, the woman chooses to sit sideways in the man’s lap. Point one, how is that comfortable? You have to strain your neck to look at each other and talk, or to be more accurate, to ‘not talk’.

One of her hands grooms through his beautiful locks while the other caresses his abdomen. His hands slowly caress her thighs, higher and higher; whoops, there it goes, disappearing underneath her dress. His neck works as her pacifier, for an ungodly amount of time. You begin to question how she is still breathing, and contemplate going over to ask how she does it. At the risk of puking at the sickening public display of affection, you refrain.

I have nothing against PDA, to a point; a kiss on the check, a quick smooch on the lips, interlaced fingers, even the occasional make out session can be hot. Let’s get real here, this couple is basically having sex in the park and could probably put out a cup that says donations and would gain a few bucks.

Every man and women nearby watches, pretending as if they are truly disgusted by this intensely escalating display of free porn. However disgusted they may be, it is not because it is happening, it is because it is not happening to them. This is the couple that makes all the men run to the bathroom to cure their quickly emerging case of blue balls. Anyone watching may be inclined to pick up their phone and call a person, or the only person, on their backup fuck list (if they are lucky enough to have one).

While trying not to watch our imaginations run wild, and the questions soon emerge. Why does this not happen to me? Why can I not be part of the obnoxious couple everyone is secretly jealous of?

So with that I say, To all those who may be a part of “that” couple one of these days,

Think of everyone else sitting in the park before you begin your outrageous escapades. Just because you are having fun does not mean everyone else enjoys it, especially those of us who are single and ready to mingle, but have no one to mingle with. Keep it in the confines of your bedroom, apartment, house, even the bathroom at a local McDonalds or Dunkin’ Donuts would be better.

Sincerely, the single park patrons.